I’m an old maid.
And this is ok.
I’ve been very happy as an old maid.
I love watching movies all by myself. It’s great!
I’ve gotten used to eating alone in restaurants and it’s the best.
I was totally one with myself and completely content.
But my little sister didn’t think so, and so she signed me up for a phone dating app (!!!??!?)
(She really did, too. She got my facebook login information and found pictures of me and wrote my profile up and began swiping on guys for me any everything, talk about moxie.)
This caused a problem…not because she used my password and stuff
but because my sister has TOTALLY different taste in men than I do.
I mean, how dare she.
She said FINE and handed the account over to me and I should have deleted it
BUT I DIDN’T
Ok. Online dating is like, so weird. So, so weird. In fact I have this theory that internet dating is a lot like Pinterest…you spend hours collecting all those delightful pictures…hours and hours…but you just know that you have zero intention of actually making that recipe.
Anyway, with this particular app, it presents you with a picture of the fella.
You decide in a few seconds if he’s the man you want to spend the rest of your life with
Before you drop him like an old shoe.
IF it turns out he IS the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with,
Then you swipe up
And if he has swiped up on YOU
Then it’s a MATCH!!!!
Now you can
Die of old age waiting for him to message you.
I ended up swiping through so many guys, I ran out of people.
This is the actual screencap.
I guess it was telling me I was too picky??
Anyway, on the second time through, there was a fella that gave me pause.
His name was Brent Wallwork.
He seemed like a legit nice guy.
This was one of his profile photos.
I thought that was pretty funny, plus I loved that he did such a good job with photography and stuff, so I swiped up.
This boy was a little different because he started messaging me right away.
HIM: It’s a jolly holiday with Heather…Heather makes your heart so light…
ME: Hahaha BEST MOVIE EVER
HIM: So tell me a little about yourself.
Somewhere, in a dimly-lit Man Cave:
When you delete the app from your phone, it makes you and all your conversations disappear.
He found my facebook profile by googling “Heather storyboard artist”.
(There aren’t a lot of us.)
He sent me a very thoughtful FB message
It took me a week or something to respond (poor guy)
He asked me how my Thanksgiving was.
I didn’t respond.
Several days later:
HIM: Hey, can I get you some food–
So he took me out.
I had him pick me up at my aunt’s house, because he was in the area. My uncle, who answered the door, had no idea he was coming.
Anyway we went to a swanky place nearby called Pizza 712.
We couldn’t find a spot on the street so we turned into a very dark parking garage.
And I immediately turned on the Heather Charm™
He was not like the other boys.
The next two hours were the best two hours of my life.
(And not just because I ordered the most expensive menu item called “The Three Little Pigs” pizza which had bacon, ham, and sausage.)
(Though that did help.)
(Oh come on, how can you not love that?? It’s brilliant!)
TO BE CONTINUED…