About three years ago, my love life wasn’t going so well.

I’d just been in a serious relationship where the guy used to yell at me (what a walnut) and because of this

I thought, I am REALLY bad at picking boys.

So I did what any sensible, reasonable person would do.

I decided to have someone else pick them for me.

This is a legit thing…there are actual matchmaker companies out there.  They have a database of people and they make their money when people pay to arrange dates for them.

Girls get to sign up for free.  (Red flag?  I hear they get in free to strip clubs, too…)

Anyway, in my infinite wisdom, I signed up for one of these local sites.  (This is embarrassing.)

The happy couples on their webpage looked super happy.

That was a good sign.

This particular company offered something different–they did a bachelor and bachelorette party!

Every month, they would introduce a single guy (or girl) and then hand select matches for them.  They’d all gather at a fancy party where the bachelor would have 5-minute interviews with each girl, and then at the end of the night, pick 3 of them to go on a date with.  (Separately, I assume.)

Anyway, the bachelor for July, his name was Garrett.

Garrett seemed like a really nice guy!  He was a doctor!  From California!!  He was probably very very rich AND HE WAS SINGLE!

WAS I HIS MATCH???

I was pretty sure I was his match.  Doctors love artists!

I must’ve passed the smell test, because a couple days later, I got an interview with one of the consultants!!!

The interview was a little weird, she didn’t talk much about Garrett.  It felt more like a sales pitch.

I think she could tell I wasn’t really buying it, so the interview was short.

She’d let me know if I would be chosen for the party on July 31st.

I didn’t hear back.

Until 7:00 PM on July 30th.   I got this email:

Well, darn!

Ok.

I moved on.

…For 19 hours.

The next day at work, around 5:30, I got a call:

The event was close to work, but I lived about an hour away, so I couldn’t go home and change…

So I was like:

*click*

I SKEEDADDLED

I had to do ALL THE DRESS SHOPPING!!!

I had to look amazing for Garrett!  I had to try on a million dresses!  I had to find one that didn’t make blood come out of my ears!

I found THE most beautiful dress ON SALE!!

Of course, I then had to buy shoes that matches, a brush to comb my hair, lipstick to touch up my makeup, a jean jacket, a belt, nylons…

By the end of the shopping spree, I’d spent (this is embarrassing) nearly a hundred dollars.

I found a church on the way that had its doors open, and I dressed up in the bathroom.

By the time I was done, I was

a

BABE.

…And an hour late.

I made my way to the address they gave me.

I was stopped on the way by a gated community.  No–not gated, stonewalled.  I passed under a massive archway and had to give the guy in the window with sunglasses my name, which he neatly crossed off my list.

I was beginning to wonder if I was out of my league here.

When I arrived at the house, I didn’t need to wonder any longer.

I was definitely out of my league.

The house was a freaking castle.

It was massive and on a hill.

It had its own waterfall.

They even rented their own unicorns and rainbows.

I felt so much like the girl in those Hallmark movies, where she arrives at the address she’s promised to cut grass for, and the camera pans up to reveal that the house she thought was a modest suburban home was actually a mansion was a handsome (but very lonely) single doctor inside, and they would immediately find a connection over landscape horticulture

Something good was going to happen to me tonight.

 Leslie was happy to see me (even though I was an hour late) and she introduced me to all the folk who were here for the bachelor and bachelorette interviews.

They were all so super nice!

And there was FOOD!

AND IT WAS FREE!!

I had a great chat with all the nice fellas and even a lot of the girls, who were all classy, fun people!

This surprised me.  I mean, we were competing for the same guy, after all.  I expected them to be catty or something.

But there wasn’t a catty girl there.  Not one.

It was awesome.

Before I knew it, it was time for my 5-minute interview.

There he was.

Garrett.

Leslie left us

together

alone

and…

We TOTALLY hit it off!!

There was so much ENERGY man!

We talked nonstop.  He told me about his family.  He asked about mine.  He told me about his work, and what he liked to do, and he laughed at my jokes and there was a FIZZ in the air a FIZZ

I NEVER have that happen to me!!

When the 5 minutes was up, Leslie practically had to drag us apart

It was crazy magical

Garrett had to finish doing the 5 minute interviews, but I knew–I knew–he would be thinking about me the whole time.

And when he decided on his dates

I knew I would be one of them

It really was like a Hallmark movie.

The end of the party arrived like a dream.  Leslie corralled us all together for the big announcement.

Also:

I was just moments away from my forever love <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I couldn’t wait!

Inside was…

What?

A card that said:

And that was it.  That was all.  Just a form rejection letter.  Nothing more.

No, wait, there was something else.

A coupon from the matchmaker company.

Wha–what??

WHAT THE

My immediate thought was–and I really did think this–

“WHAAAAT???  I am WAY  prettier than she is!!!!”

So, obviously, there *was* a catty girl there that night.

I was done.

Set coupon on fire

Drop sparkler

Walk offstage.

I can’t believe I spent $100 on that.

I never heard from Garrett or anyone again.

Funnily enough…not that I’m a creepy facebook stalker or anything (although I am)

I looked Garrett up a few months ago.

He was still single.

And I still have this incredible, amazing dress.

So I think we all know who really won that night.

 


Big news coming soon :)  I can’t wait to tell you guys :) :)

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