Sometimes when I’ve gone on a first date, the guy leads me into a dark alleyway
And I think, this is it. He’s going to kill me for my watch and leave my body in this dark alleyway. He’s going to snap my neck with his great, large hands and he can totally do it because men are so strong and have so many wonderful muscles…
but then it turns out that he’s not going to kill me at all. Instead, he’s brought me to a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant tucked deep in the alleyway. A restaurant that I’ve never heard of, and the sign doesn’t help because it’s usually in a foreign language or, worse, cursive.
We go in and it becomes very clear that this restaurant is not a franchise. It has weird light fixtures. The pictures on the walls are abstract and full of deep meaning. The floors are wood or maybe even cement but most definitely they are not the God-fearing orange tile you get at any decent, normal restaurant.
I start to get nervous. This restaurant looks expensive. I don’t think my date can afford this place.
I take a look at the menu and it becomes very clear. He most definitely cannot afford this place.
They don’t even write the dollar signs by the price at places at these. They don’t even have the decency to add the cents, either. It’s just a number delicately tucked to the side of the menú. At first you might think that number is the number of salt grains they put on the food.
But it’s not.
This is the worst!
I give my date the coy “I-don’t-think-we-can-afford-this-maybe-we-should-go-to-another-restaurant?” look.
Yes, I know he’s paying, but why should that make a difference? It is an unwritten rule of the Sisterhood that frugality on a date is imperative. Every penny we spend on “Champignons Degoutants” is a penny less we can spend on the wedding.
My date doesn’t notice.
It’s like he’s not even thinking about the future!!
What is going on in his head? I don’t want to wash dishes! I don’t want to have my wedding in a cultural hall! How will we buy milk for the baby???!??
The waitress comes to take our order.
The waitress is very beautiful. She has aqua hair and many piercings and tattoos that are abstract and full of meaning.
DATE: I’ll have the Boule De Pâte Cher.
*Waitress and date look at me.*
ME: I’ll have a water.
The things I do for my children!
When the waitress arrives with the food, I get a thrill of exhilaration. The plate is HUGE!
Well! No wonder the food here is so expensive! It’s a whole freakin’ platter! My date will have to share with me, he’ll never be able to eat all of that on his own!
Why did they need such a large platter for such a tiny thing of food? That can’t be all there is, can it? Why in the world is it so expensive? Is the sauce made of gold? Is that sprout sticking out of it from a magic beanstalk?
My date gets to work.
I stare at the food.
It’s so tiny, there are approximately 3 and a half tastes to it.
Four, if you count the bean sprout.
I can’t rob my date of his dinner. No matter how hungry I am. I can’t. It’s a sisterhood thing.
The waitress comes with the dessert menu.
And thus ends the night. My date escorts me out of the alleyway, does not kill me, or even look at my watch (it’s a nice watch!)
He says bye and that’s it. That’s the end of the date.
What the heck? He doesn’t even ask for a second date! After I starved myself for him and everything!!
I suddenly realize that my date hadn’t asked me out on a date because he wanted to marry me. He just wanted to try a new food place and didn’t want to go alone like a loser! What the!
At that moment, I realize I should have ordered the Chevronné Lobster, sisterhood be hanged. In fact, he’s really lucky I didn’t drag him back into that alleyway and snap his neck!
(I could have, too. You wouldn’t like me when I’m hangry.)
But I don’t, because like any self-respecting American franchise, Cafe Rio was only just a block away….and it might just have saved me from committing a terrible crime.
Thank the stars for Cafe Rio.
HEY! It’s WINNER TIME!
Congrats on the Alice in Wonderland Print winners–Elizabeth, Susan:), & Nick! WOOO!!
I’ve sent youz guys emails.
I also want to say, thank you so much everyone, for all your kind support of the etsy shop! I’ll admit I was bowled over by all your orders! Wow! You make me want to draw even harder ^_^ (SO I WILL.)