**WARNING**  This blog post features extremely disturbing images, most of which have 8 legs.  Read at your own risk.


I like to think that I’m an independent, strong woman

but obviously I’m not, because every time I see a spider

I about lose my cookies

Spiders are the reason I keep a blowtorch in every room of my house.  You can never be too prepared.

I don’t know what it is about spiders and funny-shaped bugs, but I just…I just can’t.  I know I’m not the only girl who feels this way, either.  I had a friend stationed in the Middle East, and she was tough, knew how to drive over bombs and shoot a rifle but she could not handle the camel spiders.

Camel spiders:

Gak gak gak…I can’t even look at that picture

She said sometimes they’d be taking a shower and discover one in the folds of the curtain.

ME:  EEP!  What did you do???

HER:  Um, we usually got one of the guys to take care of it.

Oh.

Maybe it’s written in our DNA.  I come from tough stock–pioneer stock–and back then, they lived in dugouts.

Actually it was probably closer to this:

Anyway a dugout was a shelter dug out from the hillside.  The women never complained about the dirt, or the cold or ever the bugs.

But they did complain about the spiders.  They hated them.

It’s a popular mantra to say that if women ruled the world, we’d have World Peace, but everyone leaves out this disturbing fact: if women ruled the world, the enemy would probably engage in spider warfare.

And let’s be honest is that really worth it.

Storytime.

I live next to the Great Salt Lake, and there’s a giant, barren island in the middle of it, connected by a 7-mile causeway.

It’s name is “Spider Island”

Ok on the map it’s name is actually Antelope Island but as far as I’m aware antelopes don’t actually live there.

But spiders do.  So, so many spiders.Giant spiders.  I make this not up.  Back when I was young and innocent, I visited it.  Once.  Once was enough.

The reason:  Spiders were EVERYWHERE.  We went to the visitors center, and it was encased in spiderwebs.

See, and that might be ok if it was just the outside that had spiders, but the inside of the place was even more spiderific.

Webs stretched from the ceiling to the floor all down the hall.  Several giant spiders perched on each, staring hungrily at me with each of their 8 eyes.  It was like entering into a Halloween cocoon of nightmares.  But worse because this was real.

The guy who worked in the gift shop tried to make me feel better about this.

HIM:  Don’t you worry, they’re harmless, they won’t hurt you.

ME:

HIM:  We just cup them in our hands and let them free outside.

ME:

HIM:  They come back in, of course.  The birds won’t eat them, so mmmfmffmm–

Conclusion:  I never went back.

I was telling my friend Kristin about this experience, and she had a Spider Island story too!

She was out hiking the island with a friend

And she walked by a bush, and the bush moved.

Upon closer inspection she saw that the bush was moving.  Moving

BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY SPIDERS INSIDE IT

Then she looked out over the landscape

And in the glimmer of the setting sun over the Great Salt Lake, swaths of web glistened over all the sagebrush, a glittering expanse of silver sheen.

And then she looked down at the trail

And she saw this:

I am sorry, guys.  I am so, so sorry.

Obviously she couldn’t go ahead or go back, but thankfully…her friend came to the rescue.

HIM:  Ok, how about I run down the trail and scare them all away and then you run right after!

And that’s just what they did.

That’s how you know you have a true friend.


Addendum:  Please don’t let these horrible stories stop you from visiting  ̷S̷p̷i̷d̷e̷r̷ ̷I̷s̷l̷a̷n̷d̷  Antelope Island, A Fun Vacation Place For The Family, Much Hiking, Biking, Sagebrush, Buffalo, Fragrant Salt Lake Smell, And Don’t Forget To Bring A Boiled Egg For Some Exciting Science Experiments

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