You might not know this, but there are dozens of horrible, terrible, villainous little creatures living in your house.
No, not your kids…(nice thought, though.) Chances are, you’ve never seen these little monsters. But they’re around you. All around you. Every day. All day.
There’s one above you right now.
Don’t panic. I know of ways to get rid of them. I’ve put together a list…a list of 6 of ’em that torment your life daily. And, I tell you how to get rid of them. As they say, knowing is half the battle!
1. The Camera Phone Gnome (Pernicium Picturus)
This is a little gnome that lives inside your phone. He’s about the size of a grain of rice. He wears a little red hat and matching leggings that he hasn’t washed in years.
(He lives up by the camera lens.)
Anyway. Every time you see something beautiful–like the way light glistens on a pool, or the full moon last Friday–you want to take a picture, right?
Somewhere, between the lens and the microchips of the camera, the Camera Gnome interferes.
And your picture turns out super crummy.
Happens every time.
Prevention/Cure: Take a billion pictures of every meal you eat. Cold cereal, toast, everything.
This won’t actually get rid of the Gnome…it just gets even with it.
2. The Art Repulser (Malus Artem Criticus)
This little guy lives at the bottom of your garbage can. He wears a vest and is smelly. He kind of looks like Captain Picard.
Mostly he just minds his own business, until
Your kid gives you a piece of artwork they drew themselves
and of course you’re crazy about it, because you’re a good parent
which unfortunately causes the kid to draw a billion more pictures of the exact same thing
(I was this kid so I feel justified in making fun of it)
Eventually you can’t see your fridge anymore.
You get tired of the clutter and when your kid isn’t looking…
You throw it all out but are very careful to make sure you stuff it down LOW in the garbage can because the last thing your kid needs to know is that you threw away their beautiful artwork!
Of course, the Art Repulser is having none of that.
The next time your kid goes to throw something away…
You’re a terrible parent. You’re the worst.
Don’t worry…your kid never throws anything away, so you should be fine.
Prevention/Cure: Encourage your child to become an accountant.
3. The Thought Suckers (Cogitari Vacuumus)
Your house is infested with these creatures. Your living room might look like a normal living room
But really, there are about a hundred of these things hanging from the ceiling. (They’re invisible)
They have giant, blank eyes (about the size of ping pong balls) and “O”-shaped mouths that suck like a vaccuum.
Every day, they wait for someone to enter their lair with intent.
Why was I down here again?
Prevention/Cure: Stop having worthwhile thoughts.
4. The Printer Demon (Terrore Satietus)
This one is about the size of a folded Eggo waffle and it lives inside your printer.
It mostly drinks your printing toner. (That’s why it runs out so fast.)
But it feeds on your panic.
The printer demon is the reason why the printer never works before your assignment is due.
Prevention/Cure: Sadly, there’s nothing you can do about this guy. He comes manufactured with the printer.
5. The Fire Alarm Fairies (Fumi Quiritors)
Evil fairies live inside your fire alarms.
They mostly just sit there getting drunk
Until you decide to cook something
Then they go crazy.
Their shrill little voices are the worst.
Of course, it sets off the other Fire Alarm Fairies in your house
And it just escalates until the neighbors call the fire department because they think you’re trying to burn the unit down.
Prevention/Cure: You’ll need to make an offering of an unused, pure white 600 thread count pillowcase. Shake it at the fire alarm 5,034 times in obeisance. That’s the only way to appease them.
And, last of all, the worst, most nefarious creature of them all:
6. The Produce Guy At The Grocery Store (Frutus Congestus)
Heh heh heh…
There is a special place in not-heaven for that guy.