Unless you’ve been living under a rock (and I really, really envy you if you have), you’re probably aware of this year’s US Presidential election.
So far, it’s been like….this.
Or yeah, maybe this.
Dare I say, it might even be as bad as…
Yes. It’s been that bad.
I’d say it’s been worse than a car full of clowns, but I can’t insult clowns like that.
Because it’s been worse. Way, way worse.
Think of the worst thing you can possibly think of…then times it by 20 trillion. It’s not that bad…it’s worse.
The worst of all are the two main candidates. They are both just…so bad.
I mean, they are so bad.
I mean, they are. So. Bad.
On one side of the aisle, you have a dishonest, corrupt, inept & horrible, drowning-in-scandals, terrible, no-good very bad candidate. And on the other side of the aisle…you have a dishonest, corrupt, inept & horrible, drowning-in-scandals, terrible, no-good very bad…candidate.
It’s enough to make you throw an ax through the TV.
This, by the way, kids, is called a television set.
It’s what people used to stare at before smart phones were invented.
That, kids, is called an ax.
It’s what people used to murder each other with before chainsaws were invented.
By the time November 6th rolls around…you’ll be wishing someone could give you forty whacks.
For the next four years.
Guys, guys, guys. Stop this. Seriously, it’s not that bad.
(It’s worse. Much, much worse.)
Let’s be honest here. There’s no use in freaking out over all this. Because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.
So why worry?
Take, for example, my parents.
They are great people. They never talk about politics much. They’re pretty much your average American…average middle class, average middle-aged, average happy couple who also happens to be suddenly preparing for the average Apocalypse of No Return.
Me? I’m the average millennial, preparing too.
…By building a tunnel to my parent’s food storage room.
So you see…we’re all prepared for the next four years!
The point of this is, we’re not letting this election–and the subsequent 4 years of impending doom–get us down! It’s gonna be okay! Like, okay, the government is completely corrupt to the core, the media’s gone to Hawaii in a handbasket, we’re 20 trillion dollars in debt, Angelina is breaking up with Brad and the local grocery store is already out of their pumpkin-flavored oreos (and so it begins)
…But that doesn’t mean you have to be miserable.
Let’s beat this Election Depression…together.
7 WAYS TO STOP THIS ELECTION
(FROM GETTING YOU DOWN)
#1: Get a financial plan together.
You might be stressed about our $20 trillion + mounting debt. But trust me, the runaway inflation that’s coming…is a good thing. Did you know $1 bill will burn for 30 seconds?
I tried it. I took out my life savings ($2.41) and timed it. One whole minute of old-fashioned fun. (The 41¢ didn’t burn so well.) The good news is…when hyperinflation explodes, we’ll have more dollar bills to burn! Lots, lots more! The rolling blackouts may encase us in freezing darkness, but we’ll have fires to keep us warm for years, and years, and years.
You also might want to invest in Soylent Green.
I hear their stocks are about to go up. Way, way up.
(Kids: If you don’t know what Soylent Green is, ask your parents. If your parents say, “Oh, Soylent Green? I hear that’s a very people-oriented company!” and then laugh like crazy at your blank expression…congratulations, you’re one of my siblings! Welcome to the family.)
#2: Spend your time learning new things!
Find a productive hobby to keep your mind off the wars, pestilences, famines, and plagues. Learn a new language! Like Chinese. Or Russian.
If these languages are too difficult, try learning just the very important, very useful key phrases like, “Is this where the rations are being distributed?” and “Gosh, the soup gets thinner every day,” and “Take one step closer to my wife and children and I will drill you with my totally unregistered and governmentally-banned firearm.”
#3: Eat healthier.
Everyone knows a diet is a huge part of a healthy, happy lifestyle. Stop eating those delicious Atkins bars, kale chips, rice cakes, salads, tomatoes, boiled eggs and chia seeds. Start eating the really healthy stuff. Things like:
- Dead bees
- Nike shoes
Not only is this diet high in fiber, but it can be found anywhere. In caves, forests, …fallout shelters. You’re set. Even better: since we won’t have electricity, we won’t have the time and trouble of cooking! Bonus! The raw diet is very “in.”
(Bugs are disgusting, so they must be healthy.)
Every “Beat Depression” website recommends exercising every day. This site is no different. I recommend you go running every day…
…until you reach Canada.
#5: Keep a Journal.
I kept a journal every day when I went to college. Every day. One night, however, I read back on my entries. Every single one read like a 3-year old’s Mad Libs: “Hi. Today I did _______. It was fun. Well, I’m real tired, so, good night.” Except the word in that blank? Yeah. It was the same every day.
That’s when I quit my journal writing stuff. My life was just too boring.
I should start up again, though, because I have the feeling life is about to get way more exciting! I mean, can you imagine how interesting the re-education camps are going to be? We’ll have lots of things to post about then!
Plus, I think it’s good to keep a record. So our kids can know what it was like to have, you know, electricity. And food.
#6: Take a nice long bath.
In fact, it doesn’t even have to be a bath. A bucket filled with water will do.
Dunk your head in it three times.
And only bring it out twice.
(I hear this is a great cure for hiccups.)
#7: And last (but not least) get plenty of sleep.
Sleep is a great way to beat Election Depression. Set your alarm clock for a little later.
Like 8:00 AM, 2021 later.
That should do it.
So there you have it. It’s gonna be a rocky few years ahead, eh? But at least now you’re emotionally prepared, thanks to this blog post.
…Or are you, really? Because let’s be honest. It’s not the wars and famines and oncoming plagues that’s depressing. It’s that we, as an American people, have chosen such dishonest, corrupt, inept & horrible, drowning-in-scandals, terrible, no-good very bad candidates…
…which means that we have become dishonest, corrupt, inept & horrible, drowning-in-scandals, terrible, no-good very bad people.
And I think that is the most depressing thing of all.
I know, buddy. Me too.