Mother’s Day is good every year, but this year it was especially good because we got to Skype my little brother. Adam is serving an LDS mission in Iquitos, Peru, teaching the gospel, helping the people there, cleaning houses with machetes…(this really did happen.) We don’t get to chat with him much–just one email a week–but on Christmas and Mother’s Day, we get an hour to talk and he tells us how he’s doing and goes on about how awesome Mom is and, on the whole, makes the rest of us look bad.
This is a picture of the fire quickly getting out of control.
He looks a little creepy in those, so here is a better picture of him. Or at least, a picture of him where he’s not the creeper.
On a sad note, Adam’s been pretty sick lately with a mysterious fever.
They thought it was the dengue (jungle fever) but the tests came back negative. Then they thought it was a disease spread by a feral cat. (Adam has a thing for cute little animals…he was in the middle of digging a ditch, and stopped to play with a nearby kitten.)
The kitten was, actually, diseased. And feral.
But the sickness wasn’t from the cat, either.
They finally found out what it was…
Thankfully, antibiotics cure this (he’s feeling better already!).
I’m totally getting this t-shirt for him for his birthday:
He was pretty much better by the time we chatted on Mom’s Day.
We also got to talk to my sister, who’s just started a mission in Holland! Here’s a picture of her with a stroopwaffle (whatever that is):
She had interesting things to say, too…
I guess spiders are a problem there.
She says the spiders are so bad there, they have something called “Spider Season.” (September-October.) Millions of spiders come out and spin webs EVERYWHERE.
Last Spider Season, two missionaries were knocking on doors.
One guy didn’t want them around.
THREW SPIDERS AT THEM!!!!
WHY?? WHY?? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO SOMETHING SO TERRIBLE???
Let me warn you, you people in Europe who are reading this blog. I am a mostly nice person. But if you throw spiders at my sister, I will find you.
I MEAN THIS.
Anyway, why would you want to throw spiders at missionaries? Most spiders aren’t even deadly. If you really don’t like missionaries…there are way more effective things to throw at them.
*looks both ways*
Listen. I’m gonna clue you in on a few Mormon secrets. But you have to PROMISE that what you read on this blog stays on this blog. Ok?
Ok. Here goes. THINGS YOU SHOULD THROW AT MORMON MISSIONARIES.
Thing #1: $20 bills.
Take a few thousand out of your bank account and keep it by your door, just in case you hear them knock. Then, THROW. It may look like they’re grinning big and stuffing them into their pockets, but $20 bills are made of filthy lucre.
It will slowly melt the flesh offa those squeaky clean missionaries. Trust me, you throw $20 bills at them, and the next morning, they will look like this:
(Side note: Mormons always sleep with their Sunday clothes on, no exceptions. If you see a Mormon sleeping in pajamas, you’ll know that they’re a BAD MORMON.)
Thing #2: Fudge.
Fudge is especially toxic to missionaries. Is it not written “He who defileth his flesh with the tender goodness of fudge shall surely not entereth into heaven? Especially rocky roadeth flavors and raspberry sea salteth?” There’s a special place in outer darkness for missionaries who eat raspberry sea salt fudge, it’s a theological no-no. Just so you’re aware.
(Be sure to cut them up into bite-sized cubes (about 2″ x 2″ though 1″ x 1″ is acceptable as well, I suppose.)
Thing #3: Pillow Pets.
Because Pillow Pets are not good for anyone.
Thing #4: Rocks.
But only if the rocks look like this:
Of course, you’ll be able to throw them much further if they’re set in 24 carat gold or possibly platinum. It makes them quite a bit more aerodynamic. Here is a scientific graph to illustrate what I mean.
This isn’t just effective on missionaries, you can also throw them at regular Mormons. Like me. Mostly me. Only me. Feel free to throw this stuff at me anytime.
(I like pearls.)