My friend Joe once told a story of his screenwriting class.

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In screenwriting class, you workshop the scripts your classmates have written.  The class each gets a copy, you read it aloud, and then you “discuss”.  Joe’s class had just finished reading a script written by a guy named…Sean.  I think his name was Sean.  Anyway, in Sean’s script, there was a scene where two women are sitting on a bed, in their underwear, eating chocolates.

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They weren’t dressed in Victorian underwear, though.  (My mom reads this blog, sooo…)

It was time to “discuss”.  Joe, who was married and also had a bunch of sisters, began to “discuss”:

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And Sean was like:


He obviously didn’t know what girls did when guys weren’t around.  Because if he did, the scene would’ve been a girl sitting on the toilet, browsing Pinterest.   For like, an hour.

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(I’m sorry you had to see this.  I’m sorry I had to see it, too.  The truth hurts.)

(Side note:  I have over 1800 recipes pinned on Pinterest.  1800!  Guess how many I’ve made?  3.  Not only am I a digital hoarder, but when the next giant solar flare hits, I’m up a creek…all those delicious recipes, sacrificed to the sun god.  It breaks my heart (and my tummy) just thinking about it.)

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about poor Sean-who-knew-nothing-about-girls lately.  At first I thought this was pretty funny…

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Until I realized that, having been single for most of my life (minus that 1st grade fling with Gage), I don’t really know much about guys.

I am Sean.


Well, okay, not entirely.  I once talked to a boy, so…I like to think I have a pretty good idea of what guys do when girls aren’t around.

And I am about to tell you.

(Brace yourselves.)

The typical day for a man begins at 6:00 AM.  Because guys grow beards while they’re sleeping, they have to shave in the morning.  I don’t know a lot about shaving but I believe it’s done with an ax.

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They then go and lift heavy things.

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Men love lifting heavy things!

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Barbells, bars of barbells, refrigerators, houses…The Secret Life of Men_10

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I can’t lift heavy things so I’m kind of jealous.

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Oh my gosh…it’s just…I’m…this may have been the dreamiest picture I’ve ever drawn I need to go take a cold shower.


After that, most of the day is spent taking car engines apart.  (Something I also cannot do.)

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(…or draw.)

For dinner, the manliest men do not eat.  They simply drink bottles of hot sauce.The Secret Life of Men_14

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Hot sauce with names like:  “Land of a Billion Tiny Black Peppers”….”Sweet Sweet Salsa Muerte”….”Melted Boiling Heart Cockles”….”Virgin Viper Kisses on Hot Asphalt.”

(I could do this for hours.  I’m thinking about starting a hot sauce-naming company.)

And then…men put masks on, grab baseball bats, and go out into the city TO FIGHT CRIME!!!

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Whap whap whap whap whap


Whap whap whap whap whap


Whap whap whap whap whap whap whap whap


(Er…sorry mom.)

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After crime has been eradicated (around 11:00 or so), men like to get in touch with their soft-side by watching a feel-good chick flick.  (Men love feel-good chick flicks.)

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And then they aaalll go to bed…so they can do it again the next day!

Now you know.  The secret life of men has been exposed.  I’ve done you all a service.  Thank me, shake my hand, leave a comment…but most definitely do not tell me that what men really do is just wander aimlessly around the aisles of Home Depot.

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Don’t destroy my dreams.