If there’s one thing I like, it’s money.
In fact, I like a lot of monies.
In fact that love, so near and dear to my heart, gave me an idea that’s going to make me RICH RICH RICH!!!
THE FUN TENT!!
First, the person who’s paid for their ticket ($482 for children ages 0-5, $679 for kids 6-12, $5,119 for teenagers, $23,917 for grown ups…Babies under 2&1/2 weeks are free, of course…I’m not a miser!) Anyway, the paying participant stands in front of a giant pit of mud.
And is shoved into it.
Next, the participant stands under a bucket full of spiders, snakes and mosquitoes.
(I call this the “Lice Bucket Challenge.”)
(Hahaha!! Get it?? Because “Lice” sounds like “Ice” as in “Ice Bucket Challenge”! Get it?? Get it?? Oh, you are a dead audience)
Anyway. After that, the participant…
…is locked in a freezer.
That’s it! Isn’t it a kick?? Aren’t I going to be rollin’ in the dough??
I AM. I am gonna be rollin in the dough and do you know why??
BECAUSE PEOPLE DO THIS ALL THE TIME! THEY PAY TO DO IT AND THEY CALL IT CAMPING!!!
Yeah you are!
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who appreciate the dignity indoor plumbing can provide, and those who like to pretend they’re homeless.
I belong to the first group.
In fact, before this past summer, I hadn’t gone camping since I was a kid! Which was years, and years, and years, and years, and years ago.
I don’t remember much. I remember it rained and was so cold the spiders snuggled up to me for warmth. It was
The rest of the experience my brain very wisely blocked from my memory, but maybe one day I’ll remember how I lost all the toes on my left foot.
Anyway, I bring this all up because last year, I was called to be in the stake YW, which is a church youth leader position. I really like it!
Except for this part…
Ever since I was a kid I’ve managed to dodge anything that requires me to leave my house. I’ve gotten pretty good at it.
PROSPECTIVE DATE: Are you doing anything this Friday? You wanna go on a date or something?
ME: You bet I do! I’m totally free!
PROSPECTIVE DATE: I was thinking maybe going on a hike–
ME: Hahaha just kidding! Go away!
It’s bizarre how many guys don’t appreciate a girl who likes to stay inside all day staring at the wall!!
(They’re so shallow.)
Anyway, because this was a church calling, I decided to pony up. My friend Joe, who’s a wilderness survival expert and actually likes camping, helped me draw up a list of supplies:
Thankfully, I didn’t have to spend *too* much to get the supplies I needed. Definitely less than five grand. But by george, those are the nicest socks I’ve ever had!
And we began the hike in good spirits!
About twenty minutes in, I realized I had made a grave, grave mistake.
For one thing, there was that big yellow glowy thing in the sky. I forgot the name of it, but it was totally annoying.
For another thing….NO BATHROOMS????
This turned out to be the worst part of all, because as I breached the last hill to the campsite, this is what I found:
Apparently we weren’t the only people who thought that would be a great weekend hike.
This was not what I was promised.
Our camp leader had scoped this place out several weeks before.
But what could I do? My eyeballs were swimming.
The moment camp was set up, I set out to find a tree.
This turned out to be a problem. Every tree I found ended up having a friendly resident.
Things weren’t looking so good.
About four or so miles away from the campsite, I found something that might work. No one was around.
This frame is totally inappropriate. I apologize.
If it helps, you’re the only ones who are seeing it.
OR SO I THOUGHT
Aaaaaaaand…the rest of the camp was blocked from my memory.
…Except for the part where I drank ZERO WATER for the rest of the trip…including the hike back.
Remember the Fun Tent?
This hike inspired me.
I’ve decided to add a giant glass cage to it. It’ll have a hornets’ nest, a bucket, and aaaaaaaaaalll the water you can drink!
I’m gonna be so rich.