If there’s one thing I like, it’s money.

In fact, I like a lot of monies.

In fact that love, so near and dear to my heart, gave me an idea that’s going to make me RICH RICH RICH!!!

PICTURE THIS:

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THE FUN TENT!!

First, the person who’s paid for their ticket ($482 for children ages 0-5, $679 for kids 6-12, $5,119 for teenagers, $23,917 for grown ups…Babies under 2&1/2 weeks are free, of course…I’m not a miser!) Anyway, the paying participant stands in front of a giant pit of mud.

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And is shoved into it.

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Next, the participant stands under a bucket full of spiders, snakes and mosquitoes.

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(I call this the “Lice Bucket Challenge.”)

(Hahaha!!  Get it??  Because “Lice” sounds like “Ice” as in “Ice Bucket Challenge”! Get it??  Get it??  Oh, you are a dead audience)

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Anyway.  After that, the participant…

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…is locked in a freezer.

That’s it!  Isn’t it a kick??  Aren’t I going to be rollin’ in the dough??

I AM.  I am gonna be rollin in the dough and do you know why??

BECAUSE PEOPLE DO THIS ALL THE TIME!  THEY PAY TO DO IT AND THEY CALL IT CAMPING!!!

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Yeah you are!

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who appreciate the dignity indoor plumbing can provide, and those who like to pretend they’re homeless.

I belong to the first group.

In fact, before this past summer, I hadn’t gone camping since I was a kid!  Which was years, and years, and years, and years, and years ago.

I don’t remember much.  I remember it rained and was so cold the spiders snuggled up to me for warmth.  It was

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the worst.

The rest of the experience my brain very wisely blocked from my memory, but maybe one day I’ll remember how I lost all the toes on my left foot.

Anyway, I bring this all up because last year, I was called to be in the stake YW, which is a church youth leader position.  I really like it!

Except for this part…

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WHUT

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Ever since I was a kid I’ve managed to dodge anything that requires me to leave my house.  I’ve gotten pretty good at it.

PROSPECTIVE DATE:  Are you doing anything this Friday?  You wanna go on a date or something?

ME:  You bet I do!  I’m totally free!

PROSPECTIVE DATE:  I was thinking maybe going on a hike–

ME:  Hahaha just kidding!  Go away!

It’s bizarre how many guys don’t appreciate a girl who likes to stay inside all day staring at the wall!!

(They’re so shallow.)

Anyway, because this was a church calling, I decided to pony up.  My friend Joe, who’s a wilderness survival expert and actually likes camping, helped me draw up a list of supplies:

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Thankfully, I didn’t have to spend *too* much to get the supplies I needed.  Definitely less than five grand.  But by george, those are the nicest socks I’ve ever had!

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And we began the hike in good spirits!

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About twenty minutes in, I realized I had made a grave, grave mistake.

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For one thing, there was that big yellow glowy thing in the sky.  I forgot the name of it, but it was totally annoying.

For another thing….NO BATHROOMS????

This turned out to be the worst part of all, because as I breached the last hill to the campsite, this is what I found:

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Apparently we weren’t the only people who thought that would be a great weekend hike.

This was not what I was promised.

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Our camp leader had scoped this place out several weeks before.

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But what could I do?  My eyeballs were swimming.

The moment camp was set up, I set out to find a tree.

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This turned out to be a problem.  Every tree I found ended up having a friendly resident.

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Things weren’t looking so good.

About four or so miles away from the campsite, I found something that might work.  No one was around.

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This frame is totally inappropriate.  I apologize.

If it helps, you’re the only ones who are seeing it.

OR SO I THOUGHT

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WHUT

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WHUT

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WHUT???!?!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Aaaaaaaand…the rest of the camp was blocked from my memory.

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…Except for the part where I drank ZERO WATER for the rest of the trip…including the hike back.

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Remember the Fun Tent?

This hike inspired me.

I’ve decided to add a giant glass cage to it.  It’ll have a hornets’ nest, a bucket, and aaaaaaaaaalll the water you can drink!

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Interested?

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I’m gonna be so rich.

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