Halloween is in just a few days and I’m looking forward to seeing all the cute li’l trick-or-treaters.
Now-a-days, though, everyone’s doing Trunk-or-Treats.

Trunk-or-Treating is where a bunch of neighbors line their cars up in a parking lot and kids in costumes go from car to car, saying “Trunk or Treat.” You then have to give them candy.
The good thing about Trunk-or-Treating is, kids are safer and don’t have to work hard to get a lot of candy.

The bad thing about Trunk-or-Treating is kids are safer and don’t have to work hard to get a lot of candy.
Naturally, I am morally opposed to it.
WHEN I WAS A KID I HAD TO WORK FOR MY CANDY, DANG IT!!

This year is going to be different, though. This year, I have plans.
Moo-hwa-hwa-hwaaaah! MWAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!

INTRODUCING: THE TRUNK-OR-TREAT TUNNEL OF DOOOOOOOM!!!!
I’m setting up an elaborate obstacle course for the kids to go through to get to my trunk. I’ve already rented the backhoe and started digging pits and stuff in the wardhouse lawn.

For the first part of the obstacle course, kids will be given a machete and must traverse through a jungle made entirely out of Smith’s Marketplace fake trees and houseplants, and Hogle Zoo’s python that went missing last Tuesday.
If they get through that, then they must swing over a pit full of poisoned spikes!
After that, the kids must swim through piranha-infested waters!
The trench to this has already been dug and I’ve lined it with a slip-n-slide. Still looking for the piranhas. Walmart used to sell them with their other fishes but I heard not anymore.

The course is sketchy after that, but it will definitely include:

Outrunning a ghost in a haunted graveyard!
Balancing on a tight-rope over very hungry crocodiles!
Spelling the word “AMBIDEXTROUS” with stepping stones in a pool of acid!!

And the Grand Finale:
Taking a bite of the candied apple that does NOT have a razor blade hidden in it!!

I expect some kids might possibly live through this.
Those that do will find greater satisfaction in the candy they receive, and be much more grateful for what they have.

This is my contribution to Trunk-or-Treating.

If you yourselves want to contribute (as crocodiles do not grow on trees) I need approximately $39,672 to pull this off. Please donate. Together we can eradicate Trunk-or-Treat.

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